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It costs the same amount to change my ticket from a coach round-trip ticket to a one-way coach ticket as it did to buy the thing in the first place.
I can't in good conscience ask anyone to pay $700+ just so I can go home three weeks early, so I am staying here.
This is not what I wanted, but I'll deal with it. Ibai is being very good to me, and it's really not his fault -- I just need to be with myself, and I can't do that here. That whole 'personal space' thing that Americans like so much really does not happen in Spain.
So I am going to have to suck it up and stop being so homesick, and make the best of my last month in Spain. I am going to have to unpack - in my eagerness to be home I'd already started packing, started doing laundry for the trip, planned what to wear to the airport (I got searched last time for wearing a long dress). Hopefully this later arrival will not negatively effect my job-hunt stateside, but honestly, I have a feeling that everything will work in my favor.
So, now. What now? I was wanting to come home, to work on my Dylan show and paint from photo of the beautiful places in Spain. I wanted to start writing in earnest for the book I've been planning (which I've found I can only really focus on when left to myself). I wanted to be alone day and night, and center myself, gather that beautiful solitary strength. Now I will be surrounded, instead, on all sides -- by beautiful things, but surrounded.
At least now my Spanish will be really good. I've started talking a little and I understand about 90% of what is said. There are good sides to everything. I will find the good in this side.
Madrid, El Prado, San Sebastian ... these are good things. I want to visit Andalusia and see a real flamenco bodega. I will call Antonio Lopez Garcia this week. I will write the letters I have been planning to write, and recoup, and make this the best thing that it can be. I will carve space for my painting into this little house, and I will make things.
I will be back in the USA on August 17th. I will be starting classes on the 24th. Somewhere in there, I need to find a second job, get a new phone, reinstate my car insurance -- all that good stuff. I couldn't do this without my family. I am grateful. I am also very sad -- I miss being able to go get something to eat at 3AM. I miss my friends being a short drive away. I miss driving. I miss going out without people staring (there is a staring culture here that does not exist back home -- people will just look at you, openly, for as long as they feel like it.) I miss a lot of things, but mostly I am disappointed that I am not going to get that time to myself that I have been craving. Oh well. There it goes.
Back to work.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
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Some of the most beautiful men I've ever seen in my LIFE are beach rats in San Sebastian (Donostia).
Holy shit. I sent my friend LaDaun an e-mail about them just because she can't seem to find good-looking men in Bilbao.
(We had a ridiculous drunken conversation about it at San Fermines. Oh Lordy, I might transcribe that one soon.)
The women are gorgeous, too. I just don't get it. My genes are not keeping up, here. I come to the European continent and I go from a 7-9 (depending on the day and the audience) to a 4 in no time. (Gotta love female vanity.) I don't even hit the radar. The humility this invokes is refreshing, but at the same time I'm getting the urge to dye my hair or something similarly extreme that I decided I wouldn't do before I got here.
I keep thinking: I look better as a brunette. This weird red/blonde/brown shit that my natural hair does is just not cute.
Then: I looked really cute with short blonde hair. I might be too old for that now. Maybe I should drop a few Euros and get blonde hair again. If a short half-Thai girl can pull it off, why can't a Cherokee/Irish mutt? But it's so much up-keep, goddammit, and I can't cut my hair short again, I just don't have the heart.
Then: This is fucking stupid. Stop thinking about the damn hair and go draw something. Pretty people are only good as subjects and even then the ugly ones have more character.
So, kids, what are we doing when I get home? I'm going to be living alone in Alachua in a big house. I will need socialization. Ideas? (Weekends will be better -- I'm going to be working and taking classes.)
Also, anyone know of openings? I want a second job when I get back.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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If you do not understand my reasons for doing something -- all you have to do is ask.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I have about a week left in the US.
Send me your address! I will write and draw silly pictures.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Apparently I threw a rager. I don't remember anything past the third shot, and my friend just emailed me apologizing for kissing me. What the fuck happened? I am never drinking whiskey again.
Addendum:
After two full days of asking everyone what happened, apparently all of my friends think that someone put something in my drink. I was drugged at a party in my own house. Someone, please use this story to tell your kids about leaving drinks on counter-tops. Don't ever do it even if you trust the people you're with.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I am having a party tomorrow night and I expect you all to be there.
Except maybe Colleen, because she's sick.
But everyone else has to come.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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It took me over an hour to wake up because I kept going in and out of sleep/sleep paralysis.
Laaaaaaame.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Had kind of a rough night, but feeling better now.
I got new glasses!
Two pairs. Except the other pair is reaaaally wonky and this pair is only slightly wonky.
Still, they make it look like one side of the computer is much larger than the other and I kind of feel like I'm getting seasick when I walk around. Is that normal?
Hm.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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My car broke down again. Wahoooo. I need to replace the starter altogether.
In other news, Dan Stepp is going to be teaching me figure drawing/painting this coming year.
I am so excited!
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I've started practicing wild and belligerent optimism.
I think it's much more effective.
I don't particularly care how irresponsible/naive/childish it may seem.
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I weigh 118lbs now. I am applying for jobs this week.
I am visiting my family over the weekend.
Onward and upward.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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All my love to Drew and Colleen during this difficult time.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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This morning I managed to trip over a shoe, go head first (ouch, neck) into a nearby chair AND crash my previously injured knee into the corner of a table.
My two nastiest physical injuries revisited in one fell swoop. Way to go, sweetheart.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 11th, 2009
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Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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I don't want to be self-taught anymore. It's not enough.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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I spent most of my night painting last night - and before that, many hours during the two previous days.
It's in me again. Now painting is all that I want to do - the rest of the world be damned.
This studio space is wondrous. I fell asleep on the floor of my studio yesterday. I didn't want to leave.
Too bad you can't get a salary for that sort of thing.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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vivaverv's journal
bitchy.